Google to the Rescue

I was beginning to go a little crazy wondering why my kids seem to backsliding horrendously behavior-wise, when I have always heard that at or near four you get a little relief from toddler-like antics.  I do think that part of the reason K & T have been acting up some lately is because of the new school environment and being around children whose parents have different parenting styles than those of the children who were in their old classes.  The kids have become very emotional - whining and crying almost constantly, fighting with and tattling on each other, and Tyler in particular has gotten more aggressive - hitting and kicking Katie when she annoys him (and with them in the same class they do have more time together to get on each other's nerves). Tyler was in time-out for most of the evening yesterday when I witnessed him pushing Katie and then he refused to stop wailing or whining.  It is difficult, because usually they want the same thing that we don't have two of (yesterday it was the fridge letter D when they were both trying to "spell" words) and I don't have a great way to decide who gets what and when if neither of them had it first but both decided they wanted it at the same time.  In this instance Katie was quicker and grabbed it when she realized he wanted it, but that isn't OK either and I don't want to reward her by letting her have it because she had it "first" (especially since they have become super competitive with each other).  I didn't allow either to have it, but that doesn't seem right - I am going to try to encourage sharing next time we deal with it, instead of instigating  meltdowns by totally taking it away.  We had a long talk with Tyler last night and we tried to make it clear that violence of any kind is unacceptable.  I also told Lance that I know that they are having problems at their school with some of the boys who are hitting and kicking, and Tyler seems to have picked up on it, unfortunately.

The whining and crying and talking back is literally about to drive me insane and although I do notice that more of the children in their new class seem to also cry and whine to get their way, I have got to find a way to stop it and ignoring is not making a difference!  That is where google came in - I looked up ways to curb whining and just as validation confirmed that it seems that this is a problem that many parents of four year-olds face (just not typically with two four year olds at the same time who get each other going and are both strong-willed).  Some of the advice is too touchy-feely for me, with getting down on their level and telling them you understand why they are upset and giving long explanations for why they can't act like a baby.  I may be giving them too much credit, but I fully think they know that the behavior is unacceptable - what they don't know is that it is ineffective and that is my fault.  Plus, I think they need to learn that regardless if they are upset they do not act like that and I am not going to validate entitled, bratty behavior.  So, the key point that I am focusing on right now is to just make sure they realize that whining will not get them their way, and will in fact cause them to face consequences - meaning I will try to tell them once that I cannot understand or hear them when they are whining and crying and wait until they can use an appropriate voice to hear what they have to say, and also make sure that whatever they are whining about does not happen even if it is a total inconvenience.  Yesterday Katie wanted to go to a restaurant and proceeded to beg and plead and whine for 30 minutes when I told her we could not go and admittedly, in the past I may have been talked into going to Subway or Sonic (restaurants to them and easier for me) if she would stop whining, but I realize now that just reinforces to her that she whines and then she stops and then she gets her way. Tyler's second episode was after I fixed them dinner of grilled chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans and he decided that he wanted a PB&J - I am embarrassed to admit that one one point I may have made him a sandwich to go with his meal if he agreed to take bites of everything on his plate but last night I refused to make him anything else and he whined and cried for a good while over not having a sandwich (even pulling out statements like "I am so hungry mom, and "you are mean to make me starving").  I have to realize that he is not going to starve, especially since I prepared plenty of food that is available for him should he need it, and that  giving in is most of the problem!   Lance and I also agreed that we will not give them things that they request unless they ask nicely, say please and do not have even a hint of ordering us around (another new tactic).  We'll see how it goes, but I am happy that even in light of all of these things they are still fun to be around for the most part and really do love each other (I told them I never got pictures of them together and they moved in for this super cute one all on their own)! They loved the Dragon Park and it was refreshing that one of my old tactics worked - laying out the rules before we even got out of the car  - the key one being that when I say it is time to go they have to leave!